Excuse Me Sir, Is This Your Finger ?

My topic today: zombies. Why, you may ask ? Perhaps it's due to the fact I watched not one, not two, but 4 zombie movies all in one go two days ago. What a stunning array of procrastination, yes ? After each movie ended, I'd think "well, now that everyone's dead, I might as well do something somewhat productive". This something usually turned out to be getting another glass of apple juice and some doritos and popping in the next flick. I have no idea what the appeal is, even if there is any, but I just can't stop. These movies have infected me with their undead virus, transforming me into a hideous, bloated couch monster.

hurrrrr

Now, while some people may be impressed with my marathon (thank you, thank you, you're too kind), there's some people out there who literally live for zombies. Which is ironic.

 I really hope I don't have to explain why.

They're literal cults of people just waiting for the apocalypse with open arms. Sane ? I think not. I mean, they have zombie dating sites for christ's sake. "For even after death you both shall not part". There's zombie take out, zombie clubs, for the love of god they even have zombie gyms for the mutated humanoids who want to shed a few before chowing down on some brains. It's like the undead apocalypse is already budding it's rotted pedals. On the other side of the spectrum there's a completely different group of peeps that are obsessed with surviving said apocalypse. It's like getting ready for a nuclear war. People have built up food preserves, weaponry, even installing all types of protective gear for their home and families to keep the slimy hands of the brain-eaters from touching them. What I'd like to see is these two meeting up at some place and having a giant zombie vs. humans war for the rest of us sane people to eat popcorn to. Cheer, cheer.

Death by Stonage

Yes, I realize I didn't post anything yesterday. I received what many refer to as the "blue screen of death" and was unable to even start my computer, much less get to here. You may be wondering why I didn't just in fact use a different computer, or go on the phone, or hell, don't microwaves have internet by now ? But let me just explain that I am one of those people who, upon losing their computer, would be the most screwed person in existence. Frankly, when it comes to passwords and user names, I have such a lack of creativity I just punch the keyboard with my face and goes with whatever that happens to be. I then press the "remember me on this computer", allowing my face-message to get me through every time. But no matter how many times I smash my nose into any other computers keyboard, I can't get into my account. So yes, that is my lame excuse for my absence.

 

Anways, today I will share for you another list. Today's topic shall be...

Fireman Spock's guide to laboratory safety:

1. Don't be the dumb-ass that pours ammonia down the sink in chemistry. No one likes coming out of a classroom with a fountain of blood rushing out of their honker. And trust me, seeing as every sink is connected, every person in that room will have their own personal  nostril springs in no time.
2. Leg hair smells like cat puke when burned, so don't even try it.
3. Contrary to popular belief, drinking chemical cocktails don't make you awesome. Just writhing in pain.
4. Wear padding in case your teacher feels inclined to demonstrate forces, including of course, the old fashioned colliding of molecules.
5. Goggles are a must. Chemicals all hate you and your scientific guts, and they want to blind the hell out of you.
6.  Do not....react magnesium with water. Or any other alkali metals for that matter.
7. Bases burn more than acids. Did you know you can feel pain directly from your bones core ? You will if you have a splash fight with hydroxide.
8. Don't tempt the teacher. They want to make giant explosions ten times more than you do.
9. Poking each other with half-dissected frogs dripping with preservatives doesn't usually end well.
10. Only this guy is allowed to run with scissors:

The Master Hacker That I Am

My readers may be wondering why this post is so early. Don't you go to school, you crazy hooligan ? Why of course, but I'm also a very sneaky bastard and managed to get to this site in the school media center. I've faced hoards of pmsing teachers and even a master demon librarian and at long wait have succeded in my quest.

Today I took a nice, long, ridiculous, mind blowing piece of crap english midterm. It was supposedly to be about Huckleberry Finn, but what I found was it was less about said book and more about the fact that my teacher's out for our souls. Now, I read the book, I suffered through the horrid vernacular and only killed one kitten in my grammar-nazi anger, and I still had no idea what the hell this test was on. Questions weren't concerning the plot, characters, themes, common topics you'd think would be covered. Oh no. She wanted to know what the characters were wearing at certain times. How many logs of wood Huck happened to see at this random scene where abosolutly nothing happened. Did Jim notice a ripple in the river or a wave ? Let me demonstrate to you how much I care about this.



It's not giving a crap off the charts.

 So obviously our teacher is just trying to send a subtle message about how much she loves us. Or how much she'll spend on us with her own money. On bullets. And gloves. And shotguns. Red flags are a'peepin'.

Free Thrill Rides

If you're not from New England, you might not understand what I mean when I say the last couple weeks have been a total dump. Not only has it snowed like the entire freshwater supply onto our doorstep, but it's rained, then froze, then snowed again, then rained, then froze once more, so we have a nice death sandwich.

Now most, if not all, of my friends would tell me to suck it up and roll in the snow naked like the rest of them. Well they obviously have not seen the extent of my drive way. This thing is a monstrosity, a hulk like creation that's frankly a worm hole from civilization to absolutely nothing. It is so long and made completely of dirt and the crushed up bones of people attempting to walk it. So when winter rolls around, it's really like a giant down hill ice rink from hell. I can honestly sit right down a the beginning, make a little push, and get down to my house 5 minutes later. This method however has done significant damage to my rear, making it a less desirable alternative than to just die and be pushed down by a car.

Speaking of cars, I should've figured there was no way in hell that my ancient saturn was going to make it up this thing. When your car only has two wheel drive, a squeaky clutch and bald city tires you should know better than to take it out in winter.

Look at that sexy beast. Look at it and weep.

It doesn't even have a working radio for christs sake. Point being, trying to drive home from school was one of the single most terrifying moments of my life. It got to the point where I might as well cut the break line and saw off the steering wheel because it doesn't matter anyways. The road is lined with huge mountain chain of snow, so really I should just put on some cheesy music and let it go bumper cars all the way down. At least then I'd save money on tickets.

Gods Among Men

Have any of you ever seen a person, male or female (or both, no judging up in this), that is just so attractive it should be illegal ? Like someone who's literally a flawless god sent to test if your salivary glands still function ? Because about a week ago, I encountered such a creature. And don't get me wrong, I have a boyfriend and I'm quite content with our relationship, but there's this certain level of beauty where all you can really do is stare until your eyes dry up. This guy even walked like the world was an endless cat walk. Let me tell you, if I had a giant block of marble and a mallet, I'd have made his statue right then and there. A nude one. It's just...you know....more authentic. And pleasing to the eye.

So I'm guessing you're all hoping for a romantic, sexual tension moment in this story, but I am afraid to say, none such happened. No slow-mo eye contact, no brushing of garments. Honestly the only thing that happened is he walked and I, in my earnest to keep from making a fool of myself, let one rip. So yes, he did technically look at me, but primarily due to the toxic fumes I had just given horrid birth to. Needless to say I thought it was worth the embarrassment just to stalk a little longer. I've always been fascinated, or should I say bloody jealous, of these beautiful morsels, and therefore feel inclined to find out what their secret is. Perhaps they eat babies to keep their youth ? Maybe they all gather underground and have a giant hair styling orgie. Hell if I know. Anyways, that's it for now. Hopefully this picture will make up for my lame post today:

Well Crap

It seems I have already broken my commitment promise by not posting until 1 in the morning. Let's pretend I did this three hours earlier, shall we ? For the sake of a guilty conscious.

So today (well, yesterday if you're going to be a batch about it) I decided that never, ever again in a million kagillion frooglepoopillian years will I allow myself to believe it's safe to drive with teenage boys. Of course now you must be wondering why would that be ? What's so unsafe about a hormonally raging, inexperienced driving male who still picks boogers and names them according to size and/or color ? Well let me tell ya. First of all, here's a little translation guide to explain male thinking on the road:

What They See                                                                        What They Do
Yellow light up ahead                                                     Speed the hell up like bats out of a cave
Driver only going 10 mph over the speed limit           Cuss the living daylight out of every nearby object
35 mph speed limit                                                   60 mph seems about right
Car next to them at red light                      Death stare other driver and drag race the second it's green
Unopened Mountain Dew                                           Crash.

I'll be honest here, I probably peed myself more than 3 times while in this car. Whether it was the eminent death which was sure to be painful and full of energy drink splinters, or the fact that I was spending my last moments with people who still think poop is funny, I think I'll stay locked in my room until my car can come out of winter hibernation.

Lists. A List of Them.

One thing you shall very surely learn is that I have an odd obsession with lists. And by god, what better place to share my love than here ? Surely.

List Number Uno:

Why I dislike blondes:

1. I'm jealous.
2. 90% of the time, it's not natural.
3. If they're part of that 90%, they look stupid.
4. In response to the above, they most likely are stupid.
5. Yellow is the color of pee.

List Number Two:

Why Having a Sinus Infection is Like Mother Nature Punching You in the Spleen:

1. While having a cold is treatable due to it being viral, a sinus infection requires prescription anti-biotics. And why can't I just mosey down and get these at CVS ? Because of the  party poopers out there that'd just pop them like candy, creating a bacterium which is more or less interminable. Let's be honest, bacteria is one evolutionary step from manufactoring artillery.
2. Any nasal decongestants I could possibly get my paws on don't do crap. And even worse is when it does tons of crap, but none of it is the crap you were hoping and dreaming for. Like maybe decongesting your nose. In other words, its still crap, just powerful, acidic crap. It's solution is more or less to just burn a new hole in which to breathe through.
3. People don't understand that in order to survive and reproduce, I have to breathe. Which means, yes, every once in a while I must disrupt they're wildly interesting conversations to blow my nose. And yes, I do have to do it to the theme of the twilight zone, for amusement purposes. Don't want to be bored to death.
4. Your biology and human health teacher likes to make you the central specimen for examination.Hopefully no dissection will take place.